A Personal Essay

My name is Christian Wade. I am a 50-year-old retired US Marine Corps Infantry Officer, having served over 30 years of active-duty service. I am a close-combat veteran of the Gulf War, Somalia, and four tours during the Iraq War. I have sustained multiple combat wounds and other serious injuries, sufficient that the US Department of Veteran’s Affairs (VA) has classified me as a 100% Disabled Veteran. In the three years since my retirement and return home to Montana, I have embarked on a thorough and daily program of self-discovery, scholarship, and mental health improvement. The recent COVID pandemic, as it has for many, has forced upon me several new and unique pressures which have created profound influences on my program—a program I choose to define as the deliberate and constant search for wellness and peace of mind (the Aristotelian state of “eudaimonia”). I believe it important to note that I was infected with COVID in November 2020 and on the worst day of my illness, I believed COVID would kill me. After reading this introduction, one might be safe to assume that COVID has ravaged my life. On the contrary, I not only survived it, but COVID and its effects have enhanced my life in ways that have made my life richer and more meaningful, my relationships stronger, and my appreciation of every moment far greater.

Before I was infected with COVID and suffered its corrosive effects, I walked about daily life for months in deep anxiety with the reasonable belief that if I became infected, I would not survive. I felt great sadness while watching the suffering, pain, and despair of others each day on the news. While I will not go into detail about my medical history, please know that given the information at the time, I “did the math” and determined that I had plenty of complicating factors that COVID could exploit in its mission to kill me. I remember telling my wife very early in the pandemic that, “I can’t get this as it will likely kill me.” Meanwhile, I endured the isolation and lack of connection that comes with “social distancing”, the likes of which were extreme during the first few locked-down months of the pandemic. During that time, I realized that while I did miss the company of my friends and family, circumstances had afforded me the purest of times during which I could reflect, study, conduct therapy (remotely via “telehealth”) with my VA counselor, and laser-focus on my mental health. When the Governor ordered the “lock down”, I immediately read the policy letter and quickly realized that we, Montanans, were still allowed (and in fact encouraged) to go outside and enjoy the incredible blessings available to us here in our home. And I did just that. I immediately discovered that even before COVID, I was very often alone up in the mountains and wilderness and that at least here in Montana, nothing had really changed for me. I am never lonely when I am alone.

In November, I made a profound mistake and acted from a place of complacency. I let down my guard while foolishly attending a social event in northern Montana, as the Guest of Honor, where I did not social distance or wear a mask. Five days after the event, I became very ill and within two days after the initial blast of symptoms, I had no doubt I was infected with COVID. As the infection and symptoms became worse and I contemplated my own mortality, I realized that my irresponsibility had also placed my wife’s health in danger. As fate would have it, my wife was entirely “asymptomatic”, which ironically, caused another concept to occur to me—that after 30 years of rigorous duty as a tough US Marine Scout-Sniper and Officer, that at least as far as COVID was concerned, my wife was tougher than me. In fact, as we realized I was recovering, my wife humorously let me know this.

When I had recovered from COVID sufficiently to be confident that I was “out of the woods”, a veteran friend alongside whom I had fought during the battle of Fallujah called me to check in. During the call, he joked that I had survived yet another deadly ordeal and that I could add COVID to the long list of phenomena that had attempted to kill me. Once I had survived and was recovering well (full recovery can take weeks or months for select symptoms), the entire nature of the pandemic and its effects on me changed. My friends and family realized, insofar as the experts indicated on the news, that they could safely be around me again. When I informed people that I had already had COVID and that I had completely recovered (with a positive Red Cross antibody test to boot), I found others instantly let their guards down and our interactions were closer and friendlier, more like before the pandemic. Along with recovery came the positive effects on my ability to focus on my mental health work and peace of mind. Surviving COVID alleviated all of the anxiety I was carrying for months, causing all of the fear to simply evaporate as I recovered. I also believe that my recovery provided an encouraging example for those who know me that COVID is a real thing, that it is tough, but it is survivable.

While I have watched the suffering caused by this pandemic with a heavy heart, I have been greatly blessed. Life has allowed me to spend this entire year with the love of my life, my wife. I have spent years of our marriage deployed to the most horrible places on this earth, engaged in the most horrible things imaginable, wondering whether I would survive to see her again. I felt months of anxiety about becoming infected with COVID only to, as a result of my own mistake, become very ill. I also placed my beloved wife’s life in danger. Experiencing and surviving this pandemic has actually caused significant improvements to my sense of contentment, peace of mind, optimism, and has greatly enhanced the richness of my relationship with my wife. Combine all of this with all that I see (general societal acceptance of responsibility in mitigating the spread of COVID) and mass inoculations, I sincerely believe we are going to win this very costly and difficult fight.

Author: Christian Wade